a letter to conor at basic training

I don’t remember when it happened. Little by little I guess. One day I realized that somewhere along the line I lost my faith in the good. It really wasn’t as dramatic as it might seem. There was no cynical declaration of my intention to live out my days with my cats. It was more like a quiet resignation to what I envisioned as my destiny. A life, consumed by career, when on my death bed I would not regret the time with family lost, only the cases I couldn’t solve. My restoration arrived in flip-flops for my 24th birthday. Up to that point, love to me had been defined by how miserable we could make each other. Who knows how those things get tied up in one’s formative years, but I didn’t quite know how to take this new unassuming love that had crept up on me. One day I slipped my arms around his waist, and not so many days later, I could see my future stretched out in front of me. It barely resembled the one I had previously envisioned. Suddenly my future seemed to be pastels and sunshine, like a world perpetually stuck on Easter. I put up a half-hearted protest to this new found definition of love. Where were the tears, where were the screaming fights, where was the crying in my car listening to an angst ridden indie song? Somehow, this cherubic boy had single handedly redefined everything I thought I knew about how love worked. And he did it without my noticing. It’s funny what you don’t notice. I didn’t notice that I hadn’t had my feelings hurt by careless remarks, that I didn’t need to attempt to assert my intelligence in order to be taken seriously, that I felt beautiful in a comfortable safe way. I know I must have done something before I met him. I also know that it may not be very progressive of me to say, but the best part of my life has begun now that I know him. In one short magnificent year, this man has made me a wife, a mother, and most amazingly, myself. No prickles and sarcasm. Just me. Conor, in such a short time I’ve watched you grow into such a remarkable man; a man who I’ve come to love, admire, and respect. I often feel so overwhelmed with love for you, that it seems impossible to squeeze one more ounce of love into my soul, yet I manage to love you more every day. Now that we are entering a new chapter in our lives, I know that I will only love you more as the father of our child. And you will be as remarkable a father as you are a husband. Happy Father’s Day
Your wife,
Sarah