Let them cry.

We have no TV. Well we have a TV, but we don't "get" tv. Get it? The satellite man (which sounds more exciting than it is) came to the door today. He wanted to offer us a cheaper option than cable. I stood there with Finnegan (who is currently known as "electric boogaloo") on my hip and told him we didn't have cable. He stood there for a second. "You don't have ANYTHING?" Nope. "Not even with the little one?" I was nice. But seriously. He's ten months old.

Now I'm not going to pretend that we don't watch movies around here. In fact, Violet has a pretty nasty addiction we're attempting to conquer. And by addiction, I mean if she gets hurt, or is generally upset, rather than crying and dealing with her emotions, she wants a movie. So we're working on getting her crying. Sounds kind of strange, I know. But it's what she needs. Don't worry, I'm not pinching her or anything to get her started.

It's just based on the general idea that if you have an emotional upset that you don't deal with (by releasing those emotions through crying or raging) those emotions don't go away. I think people often have this idea that kids have it easy. That crying is a manipulation. That they're not really feeling the emotions they obviously are. Kids feel things intensely. More intensely than you or I. They don't conjure up tears to get what they want. They genuinely feel hurt, confused, disappointed. Any number of things.

We tend to see the emotions of children as pretty one-dimensional. If a child is hurt or frightened and really letting loose, I hear people all the time say things like "Oh, he's MAD!" No he isn't. He's hurt. If you fell down and hit your head and were crying, and I said "Man, you're MAD!", wouldn't you feel a little insulted. Either that, or the pull the old "Oh, you're OK!" No. No, I'm not. I'm hurt. Dumbass. But by cajoling them into ignoring those feelings, we're doing them no favors.

I once saw a little girl trip and fall into a cement drainage ditch. She was holding a pail, and fell with her throat on the pail. Her mother scooped her up. She was terrified, had the wind knocked out of her, and then started making a noise I'll never forget. It sounded a little like a seal barking. So the neighbor starts talking about her fricking shoes. "OOOHHH. I like your shoes. Look how pretty your shoes are!" I wanted to take the shoe and stick it in her mouth. Just ignore your feelings! They'll go away.

Now, don't for a minute think I'm advocating "crying it out" in the sense that you put a baby in a cage in a dark room and teach them to have a really really healthy relationship with sleep and darkness by screaming themselves to sleep. Or say, hey if you want to cry, cry, I'm leaving. I'm talking about holding a crying child and helping them release pent up emotions.

I've found a little bit of freedom in the ideas that kids need to cry, just like adults. It does two things. I realize that 1) It is not my fault that she is crying. I have not failed as a parent, because my child is upset. and 2) I don't have to fix it. I hold her. I tell her it's ok to cry when she needs to. I had found myself getting angry when Violet would get upset. This has really changed that. I help her sort through her emotions. I'm patient. I hold her or sit with her. She gets her "sads out". And we go on with our day. Rather than trying to do a song and dance all day while nothing makes her happy, the mood has passed, and been dealt with.